Read emotional letter prison sex assault victim wrote after sentencing of guard

She paid a heavy emotional toll by coming forward and making the accusation, she writes.

NEWARK -- It has been more than five years since a then-23-year-old North Jersey woman stepped forward and told officials at the Essex County Correctional Facility that she had been sexually assaulted by a prison guard. 

Investigations by county officials and the FBI, her misgivings about opening up a new legal front while awaiting adjudication of her own drug-related crimes and legal maneuvering delayed the trial of the guard, Shawn Shaw of Newark, until January. 

The woman, whose identity is being withheld by NJ Advance Media, testified in a seven-day trial that Shaw targeted her on a night when he was the sole guard on the women's tier. In the early morning hours of Dec. 28, 2010, Shaw entered the woman's cell and sexually assaulted her, she testified.

Shaw was convicted in early February of depriving her of her rights under color of law and obstruction of justice. On Monday, Shaw, who has steadfastly denied the crime, was sentenced to a 25-year prison term.  

Shaw likely will appeal, but with his sentencing, the woman says she has moved on with her life. 

In an email to NJ Advance Media that she agreed to be published with some editing, the woman, who is turning 29 this month, detailed what happened to her since the assault,  why she decided not to attend Shaw's sentencing and how she is changed forever.

Here, in her words, was her reaction after Shaw was sentenced on Monday:

Giving testimony in court was extremely difficult. I am at a very different place in my life now and going back to re-live the crime I committed that brought me to prison, along with the rape committed against me, was trying to say the least. With that being said, I am grateful the case moved forward. 

Emotionally, I paid a heavy price for coming forward. During the winter, My father said, 'No victim no crime,  Would you prefer this man walks free?' (This being said when I was struggling with testifying.) In retrospect, my answer is 'No.' I am glad I did the right thing. Over the winter, however, when I was grappling with the idea of testifying, I am not sure what my answer would have been. My father asked me while I was crying and I couldn't answer.

I was completely distraught, ripped apart at the seams almost, when told I was going to be testifying. To a reader, I am sure this seems appalling. I must be fortunate, of course, how many cases like this go without prosecution? I am terrified of courtrooms. I am terrified of officers. I am terrified of the law.  At my own hands, perhaps, but mostly, at the hands of this officer. 

Today I did not attend the sentencing, because I was afraid of how seeing this defendant would affect my me, mentally, and point blank, I have come too far to visit dark places. "

The day of the conviction, I didn't believe it was true. I almost still don't believe that is the reality. I was shocked, in total disbelief. When I was incarcerated, very few people believed me. I was put in solitary, officers made jokes about it. The case took years to prosecute, which I understand. The defendant wasn't held in jail and continued to work in Essex County until November, 2013.

After being arrested, he was briefly placed on house arrest and then let off to work. Everything leading up to the conviction, for me, indicated he would win the case.  At various points, over the course of these five, almost six years, I made peace with that idea. I had to, for my own sake of mind. 

During these five years, I did one thing for myself above everything else. I worked tirelessly, day in and day out, to make sure I created the best possible future for myself. Was I perfect? No. But I can say today I have a life I am very very proud of...

I have scars that time and the defendant's lengthy sentence will not heal. However, his sentence today gave me a little bit of peace. We all agree the justice system is imperfect. There's no argument there. Today's ruling gave me faith that the justice system can work with dignity and fairness...

I would have never made it through this case without the help of the case agent assigned to the case. I got very, very lucky. She had faith in me, and with that I had faith in myself. Yes, she had a job to do, and at the same time she valued my well-being as more important. She told me I would be glad I did the right thing when this is all over, and she is right. The (assistant) U.S. Attorneys were tough, fantastic, and a class act. 

To a certain degree, a weight has been removed. And at the same time, I still carry it. I was released from prison nearly five years ago. I haven't felt completely free until today. I have a master's. I work... I don't say this to brag, I say this to explain, that even with my "success," the weight of this case loomed heavily over every milestone and accomplishment. 

Today, I chose not to go to court, as I explained why earlier. After learning of Shaw's sentence, my mother and I went shopping for my dad's birthday. 

Tomorrow I will go back to work. 

Life will go on, as it was. At least to the outside eye. 

For me, however, I am finally FREE.